“Eyes”-Breakers: Looking Around the Room to Start a Meeting
Earlier this week, I met with a student I’ve met with almost a dozen times, but we went to my office instead of our usual conversational space. On our walk down the hall, we chatted about the day. When we sat down at the tan picnic table in my office, the student looked around the room, and we chatted about the topographical wall art of Crater Lake in my office, the blue walls and lighting of the space, and addressed curiosity about the strange, gray foam piece that dampens sounds in that space.
These days, this is a typical start to a meeting, especially in a new space (and I love talking about the Crater Lake art, when it comes up, since my spouse made it). If the student hadn’t started discussing the decor, I might have invited them to look around the room as a part of settling into this new space and into our conversation.
Five years ago, looking around the room before starting a serious conversation would have infuriated me! (Corny icebreakers definitely did.) Now, I am thrilled when an appointment starts this way, as I know the benefits it can bring to the nervous system and to the effectiveness of the conversation, especially in a new space or on a hectic day.
What Changed for Me
Over the last four years, I’ve been learning about somatic practices, first as a client and now as a practitioner-in-training. In the last issue of The Success Kitchen, I introduced the overlap I see between somatic practices, our Academic Coaching program, and myself. Also, as part of my onboarding at OSU, I’ve learned the WISE model, which is a structure for creating effective peer education created by Kim McAloney, then of the Educational Opportunities Program, and Clare Creighton from the Academic Success Center in the third of the peer educator training modules they developed . (Andrea Norris of the Basic Needs Center also adapted these modules for the Peer Navigators she supports.)
Because of this learning, how I see the start of a meeting with someone seeking support is different than it was before. Previously, I was much more focused on how to get into the work effectively. I liked a content-related ice breaker to get our brains ready for what was coming next! Now, I want to give space for our nervous systems to arrive and get ready. I want to honor the Welcome stage of the WISE model (Welcome, Identify Goals & Approach, Support Their Learning, End with Purpose) and use some form of “orienting,” a nervous system supportive approach to starting a conversation taught by Somatic Experiencing, International (founded by Dr. Peter Levine.)
WISE “Welcome” & Orienting
In the “Welcome” phase of a support meeting, the module suggests that we: “Arrange the space so the physical environment supports your work and helps the student feel comfortable” and “Greet the student(s) to: welcome to the session, help them get settled, and demonstrate care & interest.” Orienting aligns with this intent – in orienting, we let our eyes take in the space, noticing what’s there and particularly noticing what is pleasant to look at (like the Crater Lake art in my office.) This is helpful to settling, and we can demonstrate care and interest by looking with the other person and having a brief conversation about what we’re seeing or what it brings up. It can also work with texture, like investigating the feel of a fidget, or with sound, like noticing the birds twittering outside.
Why Take the Time to Settle at the Start
Why take time for this “Welcome” phase? How is this strategic to meeting the goals of the conversation?
Well, when we orient to a space and socially engage with another person, if we have capacity to do that with curiosity and some pleasantness, it unlocks more of our wisdom, capabilities, and higher-order thinking skills. Bringing curiosity as we notice details in our environments has the potential to settle us from a stress response or an arousal state into an “exploratory orienting response” (as opposed to “threat orientation.”) Engaging socially with another person in a more authentic way means we’re using our “ventral vagal” brake, the one we evolved specifically to be able to socialize, which has a settling effect, too.
When our nervous systems are satisfied there is not a threat, we’re more able to think deeply, problem-solve creatively, and plan effectively, all skills essential to making the most of the conversation. Sometimes, helping someone arrive fully so that they can access the depth of their own wisdom and awesomeness is the best help that can be given.
Nervous System Needs Differ, Generally & Moment-by-Moment
An important caveat is that this is not always something that a person can do, and that’s okay. We can still do good work when we’re in a state of stress response, and even a small alleviation or decrease of that stress response can provide an increase in the quality of the conversation. In a helping role, though, we’re there to help the person no matter what their nervous system state might be – and inviting settling with the Welcome increases the chances of a settled state.
I’d also like to note that this “Settling” and “Welcome” space is great for the nervous system of the person providing the help and doing the inviting. Nervous systems actually will tune in to one another and move towards matching one another, and the calmer nervous system usually influences the more heightened one(s) to move towards its greater relaxation. This is one of the ways that coregulation shows up and, for me, connects strongly to the importance of mirror neurons in effective conversation.
Sometimes we need to settle more, sometimes the other person needs to settle more, and sometimes we just need to shift our own energy levels to match the other person so we can help them – rev up or slow down to support an activated nervous system when the stress response is too dominant. Matching energy can be a tool to fully “welcome” someone, at times. We want to meet people where they are at while maintaining our own perspectives.
By the way, when we’re slowed way, way down it can be a sign of activation – this is what we refer to as a “dorsal dominant state,” when our other, older vagus nerve system is activating something in the neighborhood of a “freeze” response (according to polyvagal theory). Sometimes we think of that as low energy, but it’s actually something that happens when we go beyond “fight or flight,” when those don’t work, so there is a lot of energy behind that form of slowness.
Want to Give it a Try?
I believe this is why the WISE model for structuring an effective peer education conversation starts with “Welcome,” and why we traditionally include “ice breakers” or “warm ups” in so many group meetings or trainings. We know we do better work when we feel more comfortable taking risks and share our thinking. It’s also why the first principle I dove into in the last issue of The Success Kitchen was “Stay Curious & Make Space.”
If any of this is resonating, I invite you to try out something from this set of ideas in some meeting today or this week. Some specific invitations are:
- What if you observed what you already do at the start of meetings to welcome people and create a space for settling, and then you became more intentional about that?
- Perhaps you already like to appreciate the difficulty many have in asking for help and positively reinforce that with students who come to you. What if you made that a consistent part of your start-of-meeting routine? Perhaps noticing how naming the importance of their agency in seeking out support shifts the way the meeting starts.
- Perhaps you take a moment to notice, with the other person or people, something pleasant in the environment: a flowering tree, a bird song, or a pleasing color. When you do, does anything shift in your own system or in the energy of the meeting?
- What if the next time you find yourself or the person you’re meeting with experiencing more activation than is helpful (a stress response) you try something like one of the following…
- Looking around the room together for things that bring you a positive feeling and noticing them together
- Holding and describing a nifty object to one another, like a mug or a rock or a stuffed animal
- Doing something a little silly that brings you both a laugh
- Each sharing something “yummy” that’s happened in the past week or day (Something with a good vibe. This could be petting a cat, a meal with friends, a satisfying work session…anything that is enjoyable to one of you individually.)
- What if you were especially authentic or specific in the “Hi, how are you, how was your day” part of the conversation (within your boundaries of course) to give more room for” ventral vagal dominant” social connection?
Remember, there isn’t one way or one right approach to any of this – it depends on what’s authentically settling to both of your nervous systems. Some days or moments we can’t settle as much, and that’s okay – but, if you try to put some extra intention into the Welcome phase of a conversation, I invite you to see if you notice anything shifting internally, with the other person, or with the conversation.
Coming Soon… the -ISE of WISE
In future issues of The Success Kitchen, we’ll look at the interplay between somatic practices and the other components of the WISE model: Identifying goals and approach, Supporting their learning, and Ending with purpose. Bringing a nervous system perspective to the WISE model has deepened my clarity about utilizing it and training on it, and I hope it is supportive to you, as well.
