Just like someone’s name, pronouns are an important part of how we talk about the people around us. For adults, using the right pronouns shows respect and understanding.
Kids often start to use pronouns between the ages of 15 and 18 months. This includes learning how to describe themselves and others. New language helps kids to better share their needs, questions, and observations about themselves and the people in their lives.
There are fun and easy ways we can support kids as they learn how pronouns work:
Play
While playing with kids, we can practice using pronouns for their toys and imaginary friends. My nieces love to play with the toy kitchen at the library. As the cashier in the game, I make sure to use pronouns for the imaginary customers. I’ll say things like, “He wants two cups of coffee and they want a piece of toast.” My niece works these pronouns into her own play, insisting that we have a problem because, “They want toast, but all we have are waffles!” This lets my niece practice using a variety of pronouns while staying focused on her play.
Bug in the Rug is another great game for practicing pronouns with young kids. When I played with my preschool students, all the kids would close their eyes while one person hid underneath a blanket. Next, the kids would open their eyes and try to figure out who was hiding. As we played, I would make sure to use the kids’ pronouns to talk through options. “You think it’s Malcom? He’s right there! It must not be him.” Games like this help kids practice using their friends’ pronouns and names while having fun.
Books
For younger kids, hearing stories read aloud helps introduce new words and grammatical rules. For a few months when my niece was two, she called everyone in our family “she.” While she was working out how to talk about us, I brought over books with characters with a wide range of pronouns. As she listened to the characters’ adventures, she started picking up on how I was talking about them. Learning characters’ pronouns helps her to ask clear questions about what is happening throughout the story.
When I am deciding which books to check out from the library or buy as presents for kids, I think about which pronouns are reflected in the books. Do the books we read have characters similar to kids’ family members? Are we reading stories about a wide range of people?
When I shared picture books with my preschoolers, they would often connect the characters in the books with people in their lives. Students would notice things like, “They said ‘she’ for Maragaret. I also say ‘she’ for my mommy,” or “These daddies are called “him” but my daddy is called “they.” Kids love comparing how their families are similar and different.
Modeling
As most adults have learned, kids often take in what we say even when we don’t know they’re paying attention. Sometimes when we are at the park or the grocery store, I tell my niece that we are waiting for someone else to finish taking their turn. She will usually pick up on whatever pronoun I use for a person and use it to ask a follow-up question like, “What are they buying?”
If I make a mistake with pronouns, I make sure to model correcting myself. For example, I might notice the person we are talking about has a “She/Her” pin. I’ll say, “I notice she has a pin that says we should call her “she.” She’s buying apples.” This modeling helps my niece learn how to respectfully talk about our friends and neighbors.
Learning Alongside Kids
Practicing using a variety of pronouns can be helpful for adults as well. Young kids are often described as “sponges” that quickly suck up new learning. Adults may need to practice several times before they can use the right pronouns for someone.
Whether we are helping kids learn something new or trying to learn something new ourselves, it’s important to practice self-compassion and persistence until we reach our goal. We are all constantly learning how to be good community members, family members, and friends. Learning and teaching about pronouns are ways to show that we care.
Book Nook:
They, She, He Easy as ABC by Maya Gonzalez and Matthew SG
What Are Your Words? Written by Katherine Locke and illustrated by Anne Passchier
The Pronoun Book Written by Chris Ayala-Kronos and illustrated by Melita Tirado
Haley Bossé (they/them) is an Education Program Assistant for the Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative. They started their career as a preschool teacher and have had the pleasure of working with parents, children, and other educators in both schools and non-profit settings. Haley has three wonderful niblings and can often be found running around with them in the rain.
Learn more about the Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative and read our blog!