The world is historically heavy right now. As adults, we struggle to make sense of events happening, and it is extremely challenging and heartbreaking to try to explain it to our children.
Of course, advice will differ depending on your children’s ages, race, immigration status, and where you live. This is not meant to be prescriptive, but a helpful place for you to center yourself and think about what is best for your family. Our hearts are with you.
If you have a moment to pause before talking with your children; take it. Let yourself feel your feelings and acknowledge how difficult the situation is. It is hard to expose your children to scary news. It is hard to move through our normal lives right now.
When to Talk with your Kids
You may decide not to share news with your child. We have to gauge our children’s capacity and age to navigate what they know. But if the information will directly impact their day-to-day life, or if they will find out the news from other sources (friends, social media, school), you may want to help support them through this.
Now that my children are teenagers, I know they will hear about major news. I want to talk about it together. I want to help them gain perspective about events. I want to warn them about violent images they may come across, and tell them that they don’t need to watch it.
Melinda Wenner Moyer reminds us of the value these talks have that you are here for them and will engage in challenging conversations. I’ve found that these conversations, though hard, help us connect.
If you can get through your acute emotions before talking, that will help you stay steady when you answer their questions or talk. Children will look to us as guides.
There are times when I’ve cried sharing news and it is okay for our children to see that. They can know that this is terrible and you are affected. It helps to be steady, to help them feel safe, especially if our children are younger.
Share What Is Needed
Asking our children what they have heard is a great starting place for us to gather information about what they know and have questions about. We can sit together and say, “Have you heard about what happened in Minnesota?” If they say yes, you can ask some follow up questions to find out how much they know. If they haven’t heard the news, you can share what you need to.
Watch for clues about how they are feeling through the conversation and care for those feelings. If they are scared, offer reassurance that many, many people are helping right now. This may be a time to revisit or share a safety plan for your family if you are separated.
You’ll have to decide what your child needs to hear at the moment. We want to offer safety – even if we cannot guarantee it right now. We still want to show them that the adults in their lives are thinking this through and creating plans. You are here for them.
It might help to name all the people who are keeping them safe – relatives, teachers, neighbors, firefighters, etc. Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore suggests drawing these people to give your child a sense of the bubble of safety around them.
If you fear your family or child has a strong likelihood of dealing with ICE, you may need to talk through what to do. What words can they say or not say? You might tell them not to try to run away, but to say, “I am a citizen.”
It may be helpful for your child to memorize a guardian’s phone number and an emergency contact’s number. Be sure to keep that information updated at their school or day care as well. You might consider putting a card with emergency contact information in their backpack.
Action Lessens Anxiety
Ask your child what they need to cope, if they are capable of articulating this. These conversations can help build resilience. Dr. Shauna Tominey suggests sharing how you manage your feelings and asking, “What do you do when you feel sad or scared?”
If you or your child is feeling anxious, action steps may be helpful. Maybe you can attend a peaceful protest, donate money, write letters or make phone calls. Young children can make pictures or help bake for local organizations or neighbors to bring people some cheer.
Maybe your family is staying inside your home. Can you connect with loved ones through a video chat? Can you make some cheerful decorations for your home? Can you share images of the countless people trying to help?
As Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. But whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward.”
We are holding tight to our communities to get through this difficult time. We hold you in our hearts as well and hope you feel safe soon.
Picture books for everyone to read
The Big Umbrella by Amy June Bates (Spanish version)
Change Sings by Amanda Gorman
I Am Every Good Thing by Derrick Barnes
I Am We by Susan Verde
The Home We Make by Maham Khwaja
Maybe Something Beautiful by Isabel Campoy (Spanish version)
Saturday by Oge Mora
Will it Be Okay? By Crescent Dragonwagon
Additional resources for families impacted by ICE activities can be found here.
By Megan McQueen.
Spanish translation by Dr. J Senior Consulting, LLC
Megan McQueen is a warmhearted teacher, coach, consultant, and writer. She grounds her work in empathetic education, imparting a strong sense of community and social skills to those with which she works. Megan prioritizes emotional learning and problem solving skills. When not at work, she is most likely playing with her husband, two children, and pup.
Learn more about the Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative and read our blog!
