Special thanks to school counselor, Amber Paterson for sharing resources.
Grief is part of the human experience. It feels cruel, especially so when we witness our children grieving. Supporting children through their grief may be extra challenging if we are struggling ourselves. There is no correct way to navigate all of the feelings your family is experiencing. Be gentle with yourself and use any advice that feels right for you. I am sending you love.
Seek Support
As you move through complicated feelings yourself and with your child, consider how you can lean on your village. People in your life want to support you but may not know the best way to offer it. Find a therapist or counselor for yourself and your children. You can ask your medical providers and schools for first steps. A friend can organize meals in your community. Your friends or relatives can take your kids for some fun and space for yourself. Accept offers of help that feel supportive. You are not a burden. Your people want to help you through this time, just as you would like to help them when needed.
Talk with Our Children
Much of how we support our family will depend on the age of our children, the nature of the relationship, and the circumstances surrounding the death. Social worker and therapist Jenny Rivera Cruz encourages us to use correct words, not euphemisms when talking with our children. We can say that Grandma died, but if we say she “is with God” or “passed on,” children may be confused by this and misunderstand the finality. Talking with our children about their feelings and special memories will help them process their feelings and let them know they can open up to you. Jennifer Louie, PhD suggests that we keep pictures of loved ones up so we can all feel connected. This models “that it’s okay to talk about your loved one who died.”
Rituals and Routines
Many religions and cultures have special rituals at times of death and grieving. The community caring for the family and memorials can boost these transitional times. Depending on your family’s belief system and the age of your children, they can participate in these time-honored rituals. They may have questions and be curious about this if it is new. Engage in discussions if you are able. If you anticipate being overcome or busy, enlist a trusted adult who can care for your child during this time. It may feel jarring that life keeps moving, but Jamie Howard, PhD, says that “kids will do much better when their routines remain in place.” You may consider communicating with your child’s school to enlist the school counselor and their teacher’s help supporting your child at school. Coaches and other adults may benefit from knowing what your child is navigating so they can best support them as well.
Stages of Grief
A wide range of feelings might be experienced by someone grieving. We might expect sadness, denial, and anger. Many people also feel guilty, relieved, and regretful. People might feel all of these feelings, which might feel confusing. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about five stages of grief in On Death and Dying. The stages of denial, anger, bargaining (what if, if only), depression, and acceptance may be helpful to expect. If we are supporting someone bereaved, recognizing these stages can help us find tools to support them and remind us to expect their feelings. These reactions are appropriate responses. Older children might also benefit from learning about these stages so they know their feelings are typical. Jennifer Fischer writes, “While these stages should not be thought of as resolute — not everyone experiences these stages in the same way or in the same order, if at all — understanding them can help you make sense of the emotions you may be feeling.”
“Eventually we find ourselves experiencing increased moments of joy and we make new connections while maintaining our love and connection with the person that passed away.” – Jennifer Louie, PhD
Web Resources
Dougy Center – Grief Support
Dougy Center – Resources by age
Books
For Children:
A Kids Book About Death by Taryn Schuelke
A Kids Book About Grief by Brennan C. Wood
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld
The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst
A Terrible Thing Happened by Margaret M. Holmes
When Someone Very Special Dies by Marge Heegaard
For Adults:
The Aftergrief by Hope Edelman
Grief Day by Day by Alan D. Wolfelt
I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye by Brook Noel
On Grief and Grieving by David Kessler, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, and Maria Shriver
By Megan McQueen. Spanish translation by IRCO’s International Language Bank.
Megan McQueen is a warmhearted teacher, coach, consultant, and writer. She grounds her work in empathetic education, imparting a strong sense of community and social skills to those with which she works. Megan prioritizes emotional learning and problem solving skills. When not at work, she is most likely playing with her husband, two children, and pup.
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