The beginning of the end. It sounds so ominous, when you put it that way, doesn’t it?
I am a 33 year old woman. While that doesn’t necessarily say anything about my computer science journey, it feels important because of the context of being an older college student.
I already went to college once, for animation, and was fairly successful at it. I like animation, I’m good at it, and I spent several years making cheesy car commercials. I made a life for myself doing it. Bought a house, got married. For all practical purposes, I’ve made progress doing the things I expected to do after I went to college the first time around. I really enjoyed the work, and I gained a lot of valuable experience throughout that process.
Unfortunately, I reached a point where continuing that career just didn’t feel as feasible for me anymore. While I enjoyed a lot of the work I did, there were also significant drawbacks to being an animator. Job competition is vicious. Poor working conditions are rampant, workers are often paid less than they deserve, and a lot of the work involves short-term contracts or relocation.
When I lost my last animation job, I struggled to decide whether I still wanted to deal with those particular challenges. It was a big change, a very expensive one, and I hadn’t been in school in years. I wasn’t sure if I could still do it or not. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to. Obviously, I made the decision to move forward with my computer science education.
It’s been a wild ride. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way. In the last 4 years I’ve spent trying to get here, I’ve faced some of the most difficult challenges of my life, both in and out of school. I’ve struggled to find the money and support to keep going, every step of the way. I’m surrounded by people younger and more knowledgeable than me. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve failed, and I’ve sacrificed some valuable things in order to get here.
Like just about anyone else, I struggle with imposter syndrome. Feeling like I don’t belong, or like everyone else has it all figured out when I don’t. Even though I know I’m not alone in pursuing later education, I find this to be particularly difficult when I’m in classes full of bright-eyed, passionate, intelligent 18-year-olds or 20-somethings. I chose OSU’s Computer Science program because it seemed more suited for people like me. But no matter where I went, the journey was always going to be my own. Nobody else’s experience will ever be exactly like mine. All I can do is try to make the most of mine.
One of the most important things I have learned about myself in this journey is to not underestimate myself. I have accomplished things in the last four years that I never thought was possible. I’ve spent so much time distressing over whether or not I could do certain things that it’s easy to not notice all the things I’ve done. That even when I fall down, I know that I get back up. That even when I fail, I try to fix it or do better next time. That when I need help, I can ask for it. That if I’m feeling like I don’t know what I’m doing, then there’s a good chance that everyone else is feeling the exact same way. More than anything else, this is what I hope to carry with me through the rest of this class, and afterwards. No matter where I end up.
Even without all the technical knowledge, that’s still a pretty crucial lesson to take with me into the future. The ways that I’ve learned to solve problems, rely on myself, and communicate with other people will be useful to me even if I never get a job as a software developer. Even if I failed this class and had to take it again, I would survive. I will still get my degree. Because that’s what I do. I keep going, and I keep trying, and I don’t give up. I’m not about to start now.
The end that draws near is inevitably going to be the beginning of something else. So even though I might not know exactly what that future will look like yet, it sure is a lot less ominous than it sounds.
