Like eating healthily, exercising, and practicing financial constraint, setting healthy boundaries is one of those things that isn’t fun, but it sets you up for success. This blog post is going to be a little different in the fact that it doesn’t focus on technical subject matter, however, it does relate to my portfolio project because I have to figure out how to effectively work with a group. Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be scary. It doesn’t have to cause anxiety, broken relationships, or stress. In fact, it’s quite the opposite! Learning how to set healthy boundaries will set your relationships up for success. Let’s take a look at why this practice can be so hard, as well as some practical tips on how to become a boundary setting expert!
Why are boundaries so difficult?
Before diving into why boundary setting can be difficult, think about if you’ve ever tried it? Do you have relationships in your life that are a constant source of stress? This is a clear sign something needs to change, but failing to recognize a need for change may be the barrier holding you back from setting healthy boundaries. Maybe things have always been this way for you so you haven’t considered there’s another way. If this section resonates with you, step back for a second and reflect on the coworkers, friends, family, and habits in your life. Assess which are healthy and which aren’t. For those that aren’t healthy, whether they’re causing too much stress or taking too much time, make a note of them and keep reading.
Once unhealthy relationships have been identified, it’s time to take action! But there’s another barrier standing in the way for many us. That is the word no. It can be so hard to say it! Not all of us struggle with it to the same degree others do, but almost everyone does to an extent. In fact, googling “Why can’t I say no” pulls up an endless number of blogs, forums, and psychology themed links that all attempt to tackle this question. We’re afraid of being judged.
We’re afraid saying no too many times will push others away. We’re scared that prioritizing our own needs is selfish. And maybe most of all, we’re afraid of letting others down.
The reality that we all need to accept is this – we have no control over how others are going to react. I’ll say it again. You can’t control how someone responds to you. That is a truth that needs to be learned before healthy relationships can be formed. All you can do is treat people the way you want to be treated, be willing to apologize when you make mistakes, and be comfortable with the boundaries you set. Once this fact is accepted, it provides freedom to engage with others without fear.
How to become a boundary setting pro
OK, we’ve taken a look at why this practice can be tough. So how do we tackle it? I have three practice steps that I think will help you become an expert at boundary setting.
- BE THOUGHTFUL. We alluded to this earlier, but not all relationships need boundaries. In fact, there are a lot of really healthy people out there who have your best interests in mind. For those relationships that feel like a source of life, wad this blog post up and throw it in the virtual trash. Chances are you respect each other’s needs already, so no boundaries needed. For those relationships that aren’t healthy, or for areas of your life that require more structure, be thoughtful and make a plan. Boundaries don’t apply solely to friends and family. They are helpful in setting expectations with co-workers, classmates on a group project, or even yourself if you have a tendency to overindulge in a certain area of life.
- BE DIRECT. Once you’ve identified areas and relationships in life that require boundaries, be direct. It can be scary, but you have to let the other person know what you need. Being direct doesn’t mean being hostile or aggressive either. It just means making sure you’re understood. Have clear expectations for the person or group about how you plan on approaching the relationship, communicate them and stick to them. If the boundaries are necessary for personal areas of your life, write them down. Put them on the fridge or somewhere you’ll see them every day. You have to provide a plan of success for yourself, and you have to stick to it in order to achieve that success!
- ACCEPT YOUR DECISION. Remember above when we said we can’t control how others respond? This is where accepting your decision becomes so important. Only you knows what you need best. The person you’re setting boundaries with may become hostile, calling you arrogant, selfish, and other things I shouldn’t post. You can’t control that. It’s ok to examine if any of those claims are true, but chances are the other person has unhealthy expectations and is mad that you’re calling them out on them. One tip that will help for both external and personal boundaries is to have a healthy set of people around you to bounce ideas off of. They can support you once you set a boundary and receive push back! It’s so much easier sticking to your guns when you have someone else in your corner telling you you’re not crazy for taking that action.
Wrapping it up
You can do this, and it’s so worth it! As we saw above, it’s really hard for most of us to say no. We think we’re going to disappoint others, or we’re afraid it’ll leave us without any friends. The truth of it is though, people in your life who love and respect you will listen to your needs and work to help you get there BECAUSE they love you. Those that push you away or ridicule you for doing what’s best for your well being are exactly the kind of people boundaries are meant for. Practice those tips outlined above and start boundary setting. Finally, take a look at your life a year from starting this practice and judge whether or not your relationships have become healthier, and overall stress levels have been reduced. I have a hunch I know what the answer will be. Happy boundary setting!
