X marks the spot

This entire class has been mentally challenging because my personal experiences are reflective of the topics we covered. The storytelling assignment has been the most emotionally exhausting portion of the class. I went through the gamut of emotions and feelings ranging from visceral anger to quietly crying while writing about how my lived experiences shaped me into Rui version 4.0. Taking a look at the boxes I get to check off on any sort of in depth application, you can probably imagine some of the nasty experiences I have had to contend with as a first generation immigrant. I know this is where I am supposed to list all of the categorized boxes I get to mark with an X, like a mark of treasure or a place to drop a bomb. I am not trying to be the enigmatic person of mystery here, but the number of boxes I get to check or not check should not constitute how I should be treated and valued as a person.

The class shines a light on the historical trauma suffered by our multicultural ancestors at the hands of European settlers and their descendants. The stark telling of history is a necessary confrontation of past wrong doings and validation of the lives lost at the hands of oppressors. However, this class should not be used to justify retaliatory behaviors no different from those we know to be unethical and trauma producing. Righteous anger does not have to devolve into chaos and a cacophony voices screaming and declaring over one another for who has the sole claim on pain and suffering. History, not just American history is filled is untold horrors. America has had its dark history, and now it is being laid bare and exposed to flagellation. What you do and how you choose to change the future for the better is for you to decide. But, I beg of you to do the difficult right thing, even when it will not give you the, light me up a smoke, satisfaction of doing the easy wrong thing.

I do not think I am off, when I say we may all have asked why people cannot do the right thing when we were individually dealt a blow of discrimination and oppression. I have looked out into the world with tear filled eyes wondering why someone did the easy wrong thing so many times, I have lost count. If you have ever felt the same sting of doubting the existence of good in humanity, I beg of you to do the difficult right thing. You will know what right is because your mind will be fussing at you for all the extra work, but your soul will be rejoicing with the telltale sign of the light beaming from your aura. At this point you must think I sound crazy, high or evolved (there is a fine line that separates the three). But, I must tell you, I am not the child of light, who has transcended from the darkness. I cannot tell you that I have not had dark thoughts fueled by the painful experiences, which cast my soul into a dungeon. I also cannot tell you, I no longer feel the pull of the dungeon that caused me to live in a haze for so much of my life.

The only thing I know for sure is that what I have been doing has not worked. Living in the pain, revisiting the pain like an addict, running from it instead of confronting it, paying it forward in non-beneficial ways, and punishing myself in all sorts of creative ways have only caused me more pain and suffering. I am trying to live anew, and I am working on doing the difficult right thing too. I can see and feel the pain in the eyes of individuals from minority populations. I have a room in my soul for that which I can relate. The pain of being separated from the only home you know. The suffering of trying to survive in a foreign land, and on and on the list goes. But who said we cannot the leader of the future we chose to create? There is no cookie-cutter script we need to follow in order to perform on life’s grand stage. Script or not, we are already on stage, so it is up to each one of us to write or rewrite a script worthy of our value as individuals, groups, populations, and a global community. I am going to go write mine now. Thank you for reading or not lol.