The collaborative nature of software engineering means that having good interpersonal skills is a valuable and essential part of doing your job effectively. I believe this is even more important in a remote work setting because it is harder to build rapport and good interpersonal relationships via Zoom.
I recently read a book called It’s Not All About Me: The Top Ten Techniques For Building Quick Rapport With Anyone and I think it is one of the best resources I’ve ever found for learning how to build deeper and more powerful connections with people, especially people you’ve just met or don’t know very well.
The author, Robin Dreeke, is an FBI expert in interpersonal communication, and his book is the distillation of decades of research into the art of interpersonal communication and behavior.
The overarching idea of the book, as you might have guessed from the title, is that the most important rule to follow in any communication is to make it all about the other person.
I wanted to share three valuable takeaways that I found reading the book:
- Slowing down your rate of speech is a simple yet powerful way to make yourself sound more credible and confident while also making it easier for your communication partner to follow what you are saying.
- Is there anyone that sounds shadier and more untrustworthy than the guy at the end of a pharmaceutical commercial rapid-firing off all the potential side effects of a drug at a million words a second? Don’t be that guy. Slow down, take your time in speaking and find natural pauses to give yourself and your conversation partner time to digest the content of the conversation.
- Asking people “how, when and why” questions is a great way to dig deeper, strengthen emotional connections and build new relationships/solidify existing relationships.
- Open-ended questions provide an opportunity for a conversation to open up and go in many different directions. The important thing is to focus on giving the other person your undivided attention and to show them very clearly and convincingly that you care about what they have to say.
- Paraphrasing is an excellent way to show people you are listening to what they are saying very closely and it will also help you to recall the conversation with much more clarity later.
- Pausing before responding will give your conversation partner the opportunity to elaborate on what they said, while also giving you time to think of a more thoughtful response.
- Finally, summarizing a conversation at the end will show your partner you were listening, help you remember the conversation and reiterate any important points/commitments made during the conversation.
I know for myself that there is always room for improvement in my interpersonal skills and I hope that some of the things I’ve learned can also be useful to you. Thanks for reading!