For this blog post I want to focus on the psychological aspects of choosing this field. I’ve been in a bit of a mental slum lately, so I started watching some psychology videos to try and change my frame of mind. I have found that this channel helped me a lot! Long story short, the HealthyGamerGG youtube channel was created by Dr. K, a harvard trained psychiatrist. While watching his videos I remembered that I used to think about my thoughts more than I do currently. School has been such a huge part of my life, that I forgot to think about myself and my own well-being. A while ago I read an article or watched a video about how going into the field of computer science means that you sit around a lot — literally, not figuratively — and that you would need to make it a point to stay physically active to stay healthy. I can’t say that I was the image of health before I started my CS degree, but I did definitely notice that this was true. I think that it is also very important because the quality of my work seems to degrade as I get more and more out of shape. Before I would justify not working out, or not going outside because I was spending that time coding and learning. On the other hand, I believe that the rate at which I learn and understand things has suffered because of these decisions. Ultimately I need to focus on my health because it influences so many other aspects of my life.

There’s a common conundrum when it comes to people in STEM called imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is the feeling that you are not qualified to do something — feeling like a fake and tricking people into thinking that you are competent. Of course the syndrome part is that you actually are qualified and competent. When it comes to engineering and computers, society and the media has perpetuated the idea that only “smart” people can be in STEM. I fell into this headspace when I was in school for my first degree. I tried to get into the computer science program at my University but failed too many classes. I deemed myself “not a smart person” and told myself that I have other redeeming qualities. Now that I am at the cusp of graduation, I feel exactly the same. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything specific to become one of the “smart” people, I just kept going. I think that the secret truth is that “smart” people are just normal people that decided to keep going. Math and science are hard. I don’t think that these subjects come naturally to most people, even the people who we might think are “gifted” in these subjects. More often than not, these people just kept trying, and failing, and trying some more. I guess that I can accept that I’m a person that will keep trying, even though I don’t feel like I am “smart”. We all have different tools to win our imitation games.