This is a line from, perhaps, one of Ryan Reynolds lesser known movies, Definitely, Maybe. Reynolds’ character utters this phrase at different points throughout the movie in utter exasperation and bewilderment as he finds himself in a role that he never intended to be in… in a place far different from where he had planned to be.
This is the utterance of imposter syndrome at its best and it something that I often feel and I know I am not alone.
Mickey’s Space Adventure
I am a child of the 80’s (and yes, I know I am dating and aging myself). Growing up, computers were a special thing. They might have been something you had in your household, but then again, maybe not. It wasn’t like today where everyone has a computer in their pocket connecting them to the world at a moment’s notice. We were lucky to at one point acquire a Commodore 64. I don’t specifically remember the details of it, but I think my dad wanted my brother and I to have some experience typing and being somewhat familiar with the “up and coming” technology of the time.
My first taste of computers was the Commodore 64 and Mickey’s Space Adventure, a wizard typing game, and the glorious 5 1/4 inch floppy disks that held worlds of adventure. Those were glorious days and they were my first taste of working with computers.
You’ve Got Mail
I probably should have been one of the Oregon Trail children, but I honestly don’t remember playing it or even really having computers in school. No, wait. I take that back. I do remember doing some sort of household energy projection project on a computer once.
In high school I became interested in an engineering program, mostly because it would allow me to spent part of my school weeks working in an office/engineering setting essentially reducing my time in a classroom by half. Don’t get me wrong, I loved learning, but I didn’t like school.
I was really lucky. I had the chance to essentially intern while I was in high school. I got a taste of logic programming and even interned at a small aerospace company where they had me building computers from the ground up and even soldering motherboards and other electrical components for the computers and other aerospace testing equipment. (Ah the 90’s).
However, I was teenage girl in the 90’s in a field dominated by men and unfortunately while many I came into contact with were very helpful and kind, I was also hit on and dismissed as a teenage female, and well, I didn’t feel completely comfortable in that world.
Ultimately, although I enjoyed science and math and working with computers and logic, I felt completely out of place and uncomfortable in that world. I felt much more comfortable in the world of letters and theology and art and so that is what I pursued after high school.
Xena Linguistic Princess
Really I went from one male dominated field to another, but after pursuing ministry and a Masters of Divinity, I found a home doing social work. In the back of my mind though, I always wanted to do more.
I loved working with my hands and logic puzzles and languages, so eventually life led me to pursue another Masters in Applied Linguistics. I love learning about languages, but I don’t speak different languages, I just like learning about them. Unfortunately, this did not lead me into a career path that I was hoping for. I ended up in San Diego with the goal of working with refugee diaspora communities to help bring further literacy to minority language groups. Ideally I had wanted to go overseas and work with minority language groups, but my chronic illness did not allow me to do this.
Unfortunately, as I said my linguistic endeavors did not work out and I ended up leaving the organization that I had come to San Diego to work with. Needing to pay bills and eat food, I found another job that allowed me to do that and provide for my medical insurance as well. Happy days! This was an office job and I was incredibly overqualified, but it was also a government job, so it was a stepping stone into potentially other roles. However, Masters degrees in Divinity and Linguistics are very focused degrees and don’t provide a lot of job opportunities.
Enter the Pandemic. As I said, I had an office job and well, when the Pandemic hit, that was not such a good thing. I began to re-examine my life and I remembered how much I enjoyed learning about computers and logic all those years ago. Could computer science be something that I could do? I love languages and learning languages and computers use language. Is this something I could do?
I decided to try things out and started my journey with Oregon State. I had no grand plans or goals other than to try and see if I was any good at this and if I would enjoy it.
I had to go back and relearn my maths skills. I had ended my Calculus journey in high school a little early when I decided to shift from Engineering to Theology as my focus for college. I was definitely rusty and discrete maths was challenging, but I did really enjoy it. I enjoy learning Python and C and JavaScript and assembly. It also turned out that I wasn’t too bad at this stuff either. I had a 4.0 until OS. My A- ruined it for me.
I am bragging a bit, but I sincerely found joy in learning and doing what I had closed myself off to all those years ago. It also turns out, that I am not too bad at this. I am by no means a brilliant computer scientist. I think I am probably average at best, but I am doing what I didn’t think was possible and I can’t wait to see what comes next.
