Ann Lamott wrote a book called: “Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers.” I’m sure she is not the first one to notice. Honestly, I haven’t read the book (yet). But now that I know to look, I’m seeing the pattern.

Exactly 4 years ago, the day before Thanksgiving, we entered the “help” phase when Nora had her first seizure. We saw doctors, started keppra, got lots of help from our community. Then she was seizure free for quite a long time, until they came back and the myoclonics appeared. At this time three years ago we were practically shrieking “HELP!” from the rooftop because nothing was working. Then we found the ketogenic diet, Dr. Wray joined OHSU, and we got started.

It worked. We started her on the Modified Atkins Diet (MAD) and saw improvement. Thank you. After breakthrough seizures we started increasing the ratio. Fewer seizures with each increase in ratio until we reached 3.5:1 and held steady there. Since her last seizure in April 2012 we have been counting the seizure free days. Thank you! By July of 2012 she was weaned off of all antiepileptic drugs and she was growing and developing normally. THANK YOU! In April 2014, after 2 years seizure free, we started a slow wean off the diet.

Now, we enter “WOW.” Almost 3 years on diet therapy, 2 years and 7 months seizure free, and Nora is weaned back to the 1:1 ratio of the Modified Atkins Diet. We have come full circle and are re-learning MAD again. When we do the ketostix urine test at home, she still has some ketones but it is very weak now.

Not that we don’t continue to say “help.” Nora’s kidneys have been acting up again. She complained that her “side hurt,” and when we asked her to show us she put her hand right over her kidney and drew a line around to her bladder. She had a urine test earlier in the week–yep, crystals were present, maybe stones. Maybe a small stone had already passed; we will never know. This isn’t a major threat, but a bummer. We are so close to the end of the diet and she is otherwise great. Skipping is her latest hobby and she is excited for swimming lessons because she likes going in the deep side of the pool now. Her ultrasound was normal, so her pediatrician wants to wait on further testing while keeping her hydrated to help stop any stones from forming.

Normally I don’t get too down about this stuff and didn’t this summer with her kidney issues, but it wears a person down over time. When you know a family with a health problem, especially a child, your heart goes out to them for the anxiety and fear for the beloved one’s health and safety. But one thing I’ve learned is that it is not just the fear of the health consequences, but also the sheer amount of time and energy that goes into coordinating doctors, tests, advocating to get something done in a reasonable time, making sure that lab work contains an order for the right information, sorting out what is meaningful and what it not, doing the research to ask the right questions and understand the answers. I’ve learned the hard way that you should double check things up-front instead of making the trip back to the clinic for another blood draw. I feel grateful that Ted and I are in this together and Nora is such a trooper about it, but at the end of the day it still leaves you exhausted and saying “help” even when there is nothing left to do.

Looking for more reasons to say “thank you” is a powerful strategy. As long as I was in contact Dr. Wray regarding her kidneys, I asked if we could do a blood test to check her blood acidity (see The Blood Acid Chronicles post for more info). She is still taking baking soda dissolved in water twice per day and would be a happy girl if weaning the diet means that she can stop taking baking soda. She was a super champ about the blood draw (despite requiring 2 pokes) and we brought flowers to Erika, our favorite phlebotomist, because she is changing jobs and we won’t get to see her anymore. Erika and I cried, but not Nora. Even after all of that, Nora lost it when I dropped her off at school because she was late. Thank goodness for teachers who say, “I’ve got this.”

The next day we got to “thank you” again: Nora’s blood acidity is back in the normal range. She can wean off of baking soda in the next 2 weeks….IF she has no kidney stones. The baking soda helps to keep stones at bay too. If Nora doesn’t complain about the side pain anymore then we will make sure she stays hydrated and start weaning the baking soda too. Wow!

I can hardly believe that Nora is a 1:1 again. We will continue to calculate and weigh food for the next 3 weeks, as scheduled, to get a feel for MAD portions. Then we will start estimating some meals without weighing if all is still going well. We still have her carbs capped at 38 g per day, which has been the limit for the last 3 weeks. At some time we will start moving up the carbs and down on the protein to try to stay around 1:1, but as we start estimating meals those numbers will be less precise.

We have to feel this out and keep watching Nora, which brings me back to HELP! all over again. Not that there is anything imminently wrong, but I’m holding my breath and hold the hope tight in my heart like a small fluttering bird. I know we have been in the hopeful watching and waiting before as we began the first count of seizure-free days. I hope that one day 3 months from now, then 6 months from now, then 1 year from now the reality of that monumental passage of time will hit me and I will live in a place of Thank You! and WOW! But right now we wait in hope for those days. Help! Thank you! and Wow! all come and go through the same revolving doors through our lives and right now they are making me a little dizzy.