Let’s take it back to March of 2022. I was in the midst of interviewing for software engineering internship jobs, and under the most stress I had ever been in my life. I’m not someone who generally deals with interviews very well. My pre-interview routine generally includes pacing, sweating, and harboring a deep sense of dread. And this is just for normal talking interviews! Add in having to code in front of a bunch of strangers and I’ll practically melt into the floor. Despite my anxieties, up to this point I was able to get through 2 technical and 4 talking interviews. I was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and facing my last technical interview for the jobs I had applied for.
Before the final technical interview I felt literally sick to my stomach. “I’m not prepared enough.” I told myself. “I’m not going to be able to solve the problem and they’re going to think I’m stupid.” “Can I fake my own death moments before the interview?” As these questions raced through my head, the minutes before the interview ticked down and before I knew it the Zoom call had begun. We small talked, we lightened the mood with some jokes, and lo and behold, I was able to solve the problem! I texted my husband “Omg I did it.” and went about my day feeling good. When they offered me the job a few weeks later I felt accomplished and like I was fit to face anything the actual job could throw at me. Ha! Silly, young, naive Maddie. She would soon meet her arch nemesis: imposter syndrome.
May of 2022 I finally started my internship. I was nervous, but excited. I was finally getting the chance to start my new career! My first day was spent in orientation learning about health insurance and the company. It wasn’t until the second day that my fears about my ability started setting in. I was given a document to follow to set up my new development environment. I quickly tackled the first couple tasks and then hit a roadblock. The next task was something I didn’t know how to do. In fact, I didn’t even know what some of the words meant. (This documentation was very obviously written by a developer who assumed everyone knew as much as they did.) I sat there staring a the documentation hoping something would come to me but as time went on I started to sweat. I thought to myself, “Oh no, I’m going to have to ask someone a question. Shouldn’t I know all this already? What if they think I’m unfit for this job?” This was my first real encounter with imposter syndrome.
If you’re unfamiliar with imposter syndrome, in my own words, it’s the feeling that you got to where you are (in your career usually) not because of the skill you possess, but because of any number of external factors, and it’s only a matter of time until everyone around you (who are obviously smarter, more skilled and talented than you) figure it out and call you out as the imposter you are. Sounds pretty miserable right? Well, it is. And turns out it’s not that uncommon. I described my first encounter with imposter syndrome, but there were many, many occurrences of this feeling after that. At one point it got so bad that I was convinced I was going to have to change careers. I wondered to myself what non-developer job I could get with a Computer Science degree. And then something wonderful happened. I found out I wasn’t alone.
I was at a birthday party with some of my new coworkers and we were talking about what it felt like being a new intern. Some of them boasted about how easy it all was. How it felt like child’s play being given some menial tasks to complete. “I did stuff like that as a freshman!” they’d say while laughing. I laughed along and nodded understandingly but inside felt like I was right all along; I was an imposter. And then someone chimed in, “Really? When I started I was convinced I wasn’t smart enough.” He paused with a laugh, “I was convinced I was going to have to find a new job.” I was shocked. It was like he knew exactly what I was thinking. Because it turns out, a lot of people feel that way when they start this job. It’s new, and hard, and scary. If feels like you’re supposed to come out of school knowing everything one is supposed to know about software development. But that’s not the case. It’s ok to be wrong, to make mistakes (and learn from them), and to not know everything. It’s all a part of the job.
Now in January of 2023 I’m 8 months into my internship and I’ve got it all figured out. Haha, just kidding. Gotcha though didn’t I? While I wish I could say I’ve defeated my arch nemesis and put imposter syndrome behind me, that isn’t the case. I still have days where I doubt myself and wonder if everything I’ve achieved is just because of luck. But then I remind myself that every time I thought I wasn’t capable before I persevered and this time will be exactly the same. I wish I could finish this blog post by telling you all the secrets to success. How to “hack” imposter syndrome, if you will. But while I can’t do that, I can tell you this: you’re not alone. There have been a long line of successful engineers before you that have felt this way, and there will be a long line after you. Believe in your capabilities, believe in yourself, find like minded people to share your wins (and losses) with and you will be successful.
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