This is funny for me in taking this course, that it would start by writing a WordPress blog post. I currently am the Webmaster and Social Media Manager for Valley Forge Baptist in Collegeville, PA. All of our sites run on wordpress, and to say I am very familiar with it is an understatement. So I think it is very funny that I happen to be in the very technology that I am already in at my full time job, as coursework for my schooling. If you are unaware dear reader, this blog is a requirement of my coursework at Oregon State University for CS 467, in order to complete my Bachelor’s of Science degree in Computer Science.
They’re Everywhere
Blogs that is. WordPress really REALLY cornered the market on blogs and one could in fact argue that they were the genesis of social media in a way, before facebook or, if you’re very very old, even myspace. Will I do something more with this blog then just be a standard course blog for OSU? Maybe. Part of me can’t be bothered but hey, blogs are all about what our minds spit out in a moment and whether you, dear reader, finds it entertaining enough to keep on reading. So. Keep reading.
Second Chances
To say my life is a life of second chances would also be an understatement. In high school I was given the opportunity to really pursue computer programming given that we had an amazing teacher. But I was that student, who knew, that I would be doing something better. Music. I loved music. And since that was my dream of course, I wanted to pursue it at the place I loved, the church. And since it was my dream, it could never EVER not happen right? I mean, how else did Disney make their billions and billions? So I took a class or two, really enjoyed it, but went “meh, I’ll be studying music anyway so this isn’t really for me”. And off I went to music school, and of course, thats when things started to fall apart.
Psychology, Religion, and Medication
In school I found that I was not just going to music school, but also Bible school. I ended up at a Christian College studying Church Music Ministry. Now growing up in church my whole life, I thought, “I’m good, I got this christian stuff down pat!” Well, didn’t seem that way when I actually started learning what the Bible really had to say. I realized that what my life was and what the Bible said the christian life was, were completely different things. And that scared me. And I ran away from it, so much so actually that I ended up developing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD, for the unmedia-ized). See, OCD is really a disorder that is all about running. For example, if you’re house is on fire, instead of calling the fire department via 911, you would dig a hole. Not a hole anywhere near your house by the way, but one across the street, doing nothing, other than digging that hole. It feels good to distract yourself, but – your house is still burning down.
Over Simplification and Hope
Some people may find that explanation terribly simple, but it is true. And I think I have some saying power with this, given that I have been on meds in the past for it (am now off, with psychiatrist approval), and as my psychologist famously stated, I was the 2nd worse case of OCD he had ever seen in his about 20-30 years of practice. The only case worse than me, was someone who couldn’t drive to their appointments because they would get into accidents, because they were obsessing. All the time. So yeah, I have some understanding of what OCD is, but thats not where the story ends. So I graduate, get married to a wonderful woman, and keep running from my problems. I had this awful idea in my heart that said to me, “Michael, maybe you actually aren’t a real Christian.” And that frightened me. So much so, that I did everything I could to avoid actually addressing that question. But God has a way with us and showing us our failures, and bringing us hope.
Family Troubles, Church Closings and a New Life
I finally reached the end of my rope. I felt like a hypocrite, and was a hypocrite. I put on a mask, leading worship in church, while my life was a wreck. That hope and joy and peace that religious people talk about? Yeah, I had none of it. I was dealing with suicidal thoughts, depression, addiction, you name it. I was told even by some religious leaders that this was all ok, and in fact you should continue in ministry because if you quit, you may NEVER come back. (?????) Well after ignoring reality for so many years, it catches up with you, and I finally decided I was sick of living this way and needed to figure some things out. So I left. My Father’s church. Yes I was at my father’s church (he was the pastor), which he was none too happy about. I took off the mask, found another church with an addictions recovery program and found a wonderful man who God would use to change my life. He was bold enough to look this stranger in the eye and with a warm heart ask, “Do you know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?”
A New Man
I couldn’t answer his question. And I was infuriated by it. I had grown up in church, went to Bible college, knew more Scripture than most people, but still I couldn’t definitively answer the one thing that actually makes a Christian, a Christian! So I stewed, and got angry, and stayed silent in the car ride home with my wife who clearly knew something was up. Then I went to bed, finding myself saying, “if there is a God, He has it out for me. Maybe God doesn’t exist? Maybe I should become an atheist.” All the cards were on the table. I was figuring this out one way or another. So I went to sleep. And the next morning, while fuming and becoming so close to losing any semblance of faith I had in God, something happened. I heard something – not audibly (trust me I know what that means) – but almost like something from deep within your soul where you just KNOW something was said to you at a deeper level. It said, “Michael, maybe you’ve been worshipping the wrong God. Michael, you’ve been worshipping yourself, maybe you should put your faith in me, maybe you should put your faith in my son.” Immediately I knew that whatever that was, was right. So I did, I for the first time in my life, put my actual hope and trust in Jesus Christ as my savior for my sin. Despite all the church, all the years, all the friends and all the youth group meetings, I still did not know Jesus up until that point. At that point, it became REAL to me. And my life changed.
Who is this guy?
I had peace, I had hope and I had joy. It wasn’t like some euphoria, but it was a calmness I never had before. A still assurance that wouldn’t be moved no matter what. And I knew whom I believed in, that was Jesus. My wife began to see a change in me, my friends saw a change in me, I even saw a change in myself. I wasn’t constantly obsessing about theology or whether or not I was saved, I knew I was because of who I believed in. And if I ever doubted it (OCD) I would just be assured that believing in Jesus was enough. Things I struggled with stopped, things I longed for came and I was never the same. Life hasn’t been perfect for sure, but I have never been the same since that point. Eventually I would wean myself completely off of my medication with the guidance of my psychiatrist and their stamp of approval. The psychologist I had been seeing for 7 years eventually said we no longer needed to keep having appointments and that my OCD was not negatively affecting my life apparently. In the past, I was so bad I got rejected for an experimental treatment study for OCD out of the University of Pennsylvania because I was a suicide risk, just to give you an idea. Everything had changed and I was loving life.
So What?
So you dear reader if you have come this far, have heard my story. I eventually would enroll at OSU, realizing that a degree in music can only get you so far in a career. Now I am only two classes from finishing my degree. I now have two beautiful children Isaiah and Abigail, and feel much older as a result! So why does all of this matter to you? Well, since this is for a class and some of my fellow students may be reading, I have done a good amount of web work for my job that maybe you are interested in perusing. I’ll have a list of websites at the bottom, however, if you are not sure about what a relationship with God is, or have some of the same questions I may have been asking myself, I would love to point you to a resource that just so happens to be on one of my websites! It’s a video from our church’s pastor that might help answer some of those questions. I’d love for you to learn more about how you can have a relationship with God too, visit myrelationshiptogod.com
Some Websites:
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