The projects for my capstone course have officially been assigned. I’ve been assigned to my first choice, which is exciting but also absolutely terrifying.
a moment of bravery
When I was searching through the possible projects I found one that really sparked my interest, but it also seemed way out of range of my abilities. I told myself that I didn’t meet the minimum requirements (including “mastery of at least one object-oriented language” , “strong object-oriented design skills”, and “ability to conceive and develop moderately complex software systems”). Plus, this was an “industry” project where you actually worked with a real life company, and that just seemed like too much pressure. My anxiety peaked and I immediately wrote it off. I looked through the other projects and then took a couple days to think about it. That first project kept creeping back into my brain. I thought, maybe I do have “strong object oriented design skills” and “the ability to conceive and develop moderately complex software systems”. I feel pretty confident that I could figure out anything in Python, and probably even Java too. Plus, working on an industry project has benefits like making a professional contact, someone who could potentially be a mentor, write a letter or recommendation, or maybe even offer me a job. I must have been feeling brave when I submitted my top choices, because I selected this project as #1. Several days went by where I tried not to think about it, and didn’t let myself chicken out and resubmit my survey with different choices. And finally today I got the email…I’ve been assigned to this project.
immediate dread
That’s what I felt, immediate dread. My imposter syndrome kicked on high, and my brain started screaming at me all the ways I’m probably going to fail. I have to learn a new programming language, C#. You won’t be able to learn quickly enough. I have to learn a new platform, .Net. You can’t do that, you don’t even fully understand what a “developer platform” is. You’re going to let everyone down. These thoughts kept spiraling in my brain.
Healthline.com defines imposter syndrome as “feelings of self-doubt and personal incompetence that persist despite your education, experience, and accomplishments.” I’ve completed 52 credits of CS courses at OSU (plus 18 credits from my undergrad) with a 3.97 GPA. I’m in my last term and soon I’ll graduate with a Bachelors of Science in Computer Science. Objectively I do have the education, experience, and accomplishments to prepare me for this project, but of course in my brain none of these things matter.
take a breath…
It’s been almost two weeks now since the projects have been assigned. I’ve met my team, met my mentors, created a plan, and have even started writing code. The more details that come into light about the project, the less anxiety I feel. That’s the thing about imposter syndrome for me, it feeds off the unknown. When I’m faced with a task that I don’t have direct experience completing in the past, my brain automatically thinks I will fail. The anxiety only begins to fade when I have a specific plan developed to complete the task, when I have broken it down into steps that I know I can do. Even then, its always lingering in the background. My first thoughts when I wake up in the morning are still stressful feelings about the project.
Of course it seems like there are good consequences of imposter syndrome. You might say “well it will push you to be the best and work harder”. And while that may be somewhat true, it can also cause you to avoid the work because it’s too much to handle or because you’ve been working so hard that you burn out. I believe there must be a way to hang onto the motivational aspect of imposter syndrome while letting go of the (sometimes crippling) anxiety.
how to grow
There are ways to lessen the feelings of imposter syndrome. First is understanding that the feelings come from a place of irrational anxiety and not from any actual evidence that you will fail. Bring yourself back to reality and remind yourself of all the times you have succeeded, especially when trying something new. Keep track of your accomplishments and take time to review them when the feelings of inadequacy pop up. Second is reframing the situation. Instead of looking at your work as something you have to accomplish for someone else, look at it as a learning opportunity for yourself. The intrinsic motivation will be much more productive than the extrinsic pressure. Stop comparing yourself to other people and start comparing yourself to you. Even if you fail you will learn something out of it and be better the next time. Lastly, talk to your peers! Chances are you are overestimating how much your peers understand and underestimating how much you understand. If you have questions about a technology or work assignment, reach out to your team and be honest. Most likely if show that you are working hard and willing to learn, they will respond (or should, if they are a good team) with a helping hand.
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