I’ll be honest with you… I am REALLY not motivated to write this blog post today. I’m really itching to lay on the couch, watch a movie, read, go for a walk, or workout. But I can’t do any of those things. I have to write this blog post. Because after I’m done with this blog post, I have to work on a project for my Parallel Programming class. And after I finish that project, I need to work on my Capstone project. And after that, I have a Parallel Programming quiz to take. And after that… UGH. You get my point.

For two years while I’ve been in this program, I have felt like my time was not my own. Everything and everyone have constantly been demanding my time and energy. Every week feels like another one of those “just gotta get through this week” weeks. With multiple deadlines for two classes each week, a 9-5 job, trying to maintain a workout schedule, trying to hang out with friends semi-regularly so they don’t think I forgot about them, trying to keep up with my hobbies to keep me sane, and even trying to help my partner with some house remodeling… I have completely lost ownership of my time. In my last two blog posts, I talked about how this degree has changed my life for the better, and how great it was to finally feel like I have a bit of knowledge in the field. But it has not come easily. It has required a LOT of time, many late nights, several moments of panic and tears, bearing the constant weight of upcoming deadlines, and somewhat of a sacrifice of self. Of course it’s been worth it, but it’s also been really hard.

I’ve definitely reached the point of burnout. It’s pretty hard to get myself motivated or excited for things anymore. All I want to do is lounge around (and this is super weird for me – I’m usually a really active person). Fortunately, I only have 1.5 months left of school (WOO!!) so I’m nearing the finish line, but in order to maintain just enough energy to get my schoolwork and 9-5 job done, I’ve had to set some serious boundaries in other parts of my life. I don’t really have the time to hang out with friends these days. They’re pretty understanding of my situation, but I still feel a little guilty for it. I’m probably not quite as productive during my 9-5 as I could be. But I know that if I spend 8 hours every day working feverishly, that I will be way too tired to work on homework in the evenings. I’ve had to ask my partner to step up and put in more than 50% for chores around the house, so he’ll sometimes make me dinner and do a bit more cleaning. I haven’t called my parents as often as I would like to, because I just don’t have the time. I’ve had to set some boundaries in my own ambition. For some reason, I’ve always just assumed that I should be able to “do it all”. Before I started the program, I thought I’d be able to maintain a high level of fitness, train for a half marathon, train for a 200-mile bike ride, join a climbing gym… all while getting a freaking Computer Science degree. *sigh* *facepalm* *bang head against desk* Why did I place such high expectations on myself?! Obviously, I’ve had to put most of that on hold. I just don’t have the time or energy, and it was super unreasonable to expect myself to be able to accomplish all those things! I wasn’t able to do all of those things during my first degree, so I’m not sure why I thought I’d be able to do them now, with a 9-5 job on top of everything. I’ve had to really adjust my perspective on what is reasonable to expect of myself vs. what is just setting me up for failure and disappointment.

So, even though I’m counting down the days until this program is over and I have no more deadlines looming, I’m grateful that my experience in this program has taught me the importance of rest. I’ve learned the importance of self-forgiveness and self-care. I’ve learned how to be proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished rather than tear myself down for what I haven’t. And I am so proud of myself for getting this far! And in a couple months, I’ll take a nice long nap on a beach somewhere, with nothing on my schedule but snoozing. 🙂