To recap, this is now the day after I first discovered I was having manic episodes. At the time, I recall thinking in the morning that perhaps the side effects were over. I probably soon realized this was not the case. The majority of my symptoms were my strange headache. The headaches were just as bad as the day prior. In fact, they might have been worse. These were the most unusual headaches I had ever experienced. It was not a sharp pain, but a constant dull pressure. This headache also severely limited my ability to think. I could not remember conversations that occurred 5 minutes ago. In addition to the headache, I also had very noticeable tinnitus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I also felt like I was experiencing a strange phenomenon within myself. Moving my body would lessen the headache and strange feeling in my head. Sitting for extended periods of time or trying to use my brain for reading would exacerbate the headache and cause me to dissociate more easily. At times, I would feel this little thing that was something physically dancing in my head. I also experienced some small bouts of hallucinations where I saw and felt my hallucinations pass through me. The major problem I experienced was from how incapacitated I was. The headache prevented me from having proper judgment. As a result, throughout the course of 1 or 2 days, I ended up sending that girl with whom I went on 1 date a bunch of texts detailing my experience\/feelings during this. Again, I cannot explain why I did what I did. I find it personally difficult to read what I texted. In the end, as you might expect, I wound up getting blocked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As I reflect back on what happened, I have learned that people don\u2019t absolve you of actions that were done while being impaired. Instead, even psychiatry residents will tell you that your actions are not a result of the side effects of the medication, but it is in fact \u201cI\u2019 who did. Before having this experience, I could understand why people scoff at how people use the excuse of blaming it on the meds. On one hand, I am aware that people are responsible for their actions. On the other hand, I can also now understand what it\u2019s like to not be in control. I have heard stories of exorbitant spending during a manic episode. I’m grateful that I was not in such a position, but I can\u2019t imagine what it\u2019s like to have bipolar disorder. This experience has really opened my eyes to just how much the health of our brain and mind matters to the individual. During these extreme headaches, there were some days where I only managed 3 hours of sleep between 2 days due to the side effect of insomnia. Just from sleep deprivation alone I was doomed to act irrationally and not be myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I think back on the events that transpired, I have a lot of negative feelings. I have thoughts of regret and disappointment. While I wish people were more compassionate towards me, perhaps I should start doing the same for others. In my personal view, so much of what we think and feel is related to factors outside of our control. Overall, this was an eye-opening experience and I hope it helps me in becoming a better person. Because being a good person is hard for me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
My initial thoughts of what I wanted to say have changed over time. At times, it may seem disjointed, because even I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m trying to say anymore. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Background To recap, this is now the day after I first discovered I was having manic episodes. At the time, I recall thinking in the morning that perhaps the side effects were over. I probably soon realized this was not the case. The majority of my symptoms were my strange headache. The headaches were just… Continue reading Glimpse Into the Abyss (Final)<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":11552,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-49","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.oregonstate.edu\/achen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.oregonstate.edu\/achen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.oregonstate.edu\/achen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.oregonstate.edu\/achen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/11552"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.oregonstate.edu\/achen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=49"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.oregonstate.edu\/achen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":50,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.oregonstate.edu\/achen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49\/revisions\/50"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.oregonstate.edu\/achen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=49"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.oregonstate.edu\/achen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=49"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.oregonstate.edu\/achen\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=49"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}