Early Teens
I don’t know when it all started. It must have been when I was somewhere between the ages of twelve to fourteen. These guesses are based on two memories that I believe indicate a distinct shift in attitude. When I was 12, my family visited China for a month. I was very excited to go as it was my first time going at an age where I would remember it. As the vacation was nearing its end, I was sad as any young child would be. 2 years later and I’m now 14. My family plans another trip to China. Upon hearing this news, even as a teenager, I was surprised at my own lack of excitement mostly due in part to how excited I was the first time. I remember pondering on this for a few days as a teenager. Perhaps at that point in time, I was probably aware that something was not right with me anymore, but I didn’t think much of this.
Early 20s
The next 10+ years of my life were relatively uneventful in terms of how it relates to my depression. Over those 10 years, I did seem to have a struggle with constant fatigue. No matter how much I slept, I could never truly feel well-rested. I didn’t realize at the time that this wasn’t normal and I just assumed I “just didn’t sleep well.” Over these 10+ years, I unknowingly dealt with depression. I was aware that I had some other personal symptoms as well, but I always had some sort of reasoning to justify why I had those symptoms. Many of the struggles that I can recall having were related to what I consider to be physical symptoms of depression. I was always pretty functional despite the depression so I could always explain it away. In retrospect, I was in denial.
Shivs
Before you came into my life, I never really did or experienced much of anything as I was mostly a lone wolf. Perhaps that’s why we got along so well initially. We were both partly broken in our own ways. You had just come from India to the States for graduate school. I gained many new experiences during our time together, but even then, it wasn’t enough to quell my melancholic thoughts. Of course, any rational person would suggest to the other person that they should seek help. And you did. A lot. This was a recurring problem I had that I now realize prevented me from enjoying our time together and enjoying life itself.
Late 20s
I am now at this point in my life. I still have no idea that I was truly depressed. One day, I decided to go on a first date with a girl who also happened to be a psychiatry resident. On that same day, a few hours later, I injured my toe, but I had no idea I broke it. Two weeks later, I re-injured it again. I decided to go to see a physician. The physician that I saw that day was not my usual doctor. I will admit that I was really attracted to the doctor I went on a date with and I knew that she was looking for something serious. In my mind, I told myself that it simply wouldn’t do for a psychiatrist to date a guy with untreated mental illness. That fact was enough to bring this up to my doctor who prescribed me this medication. After being on this medication, my fatigue was reduced, my sense of smell improved, the world now looks literally brighter, and I could now hear song lyrics again. These drastic improvements eventually led me to the realization that depression was a physical illness and not a personal failing. It is sad to think that I could have saved myself a few years had I listened to you. You were right. I was wrong.
