Intro
I used to be like you. Ignorant of what it meant to not be in control of one’s mind. What do I mean by that? I’m talking about manic episodes. A brief description for those who don’t know: An episode is characterized by a period of abnormally elevated or irritable mood, intense energy, and exaggerated behaviors. During these episodes, people have been known to have hallucinations and delusions as well. One of the side effects I experienced during my medication trials were manic episodes.
First Experience
When I first started this medication, I was experiencing the normal minor side effects. I experienced small immediate benefits very soon after I started taking it. These benefits included my sense of smell. Everything felt different than it used to. It also made me feel like I was very focused. It was a strange feeling, but I thought I was fully tolerating it. In hindsight, I wasn’t because I never felt “loose” or relaxed. Because I thought I was fully tolerating the medication, I decided to increase my dosage of the medication. I reasoned that if this low dosage gave me some benefit, I could probably get more benefit from the higher dosage. So with the approval of my primary care physician (PCP) I began taking the higher dosage. After a few days, I started to have a very strong headache, tinnitus, and tremors. These were all common side effects, but unbeknownst to me, the headache was not a normal headache. I described it as feeling loopy which was the strange feeling I had and the very strong, dull headache I was constantly experiencing. I continued taking this dosage for a few days believing that I would eventually overcome the side effects.
First episode
At the same time, I was also casually texting some girl I had a first date with. She also happened to be a psychiatry resident. At this point, I was perhaps on day 4 of this increased dosage. At some point during the day, my judgment was slowly becoming impaired. This was evident when I started thinking in a very uncharacteristic way. As we were planning our second date, I started to text some strange things that no rational person would think to send. Some of her responses include things to the effect of “I was acting weird and saying weird things” and “I have internal problems.” I replied that I thought it was due to the side effects of the medications, but I believed this comment was dismissed. I’m sure she thought that her position as a psychiatry resident meant that she knew better. Later on in that night, I did end up experiencing a manic episode that could clearly be distinguished. I had what they called God complex i.e. grandiose thoughts for a short period of time. During the episode, I felt like I could accomplish anything and because I just ruined a possible relationship, I also felt like I didn’t need anyone. At the time, I had no idea what a manic episode was or that these feelings and ideas were abnormal. I was still under the idea that I was still of sound mind. This was only just the beginning of the series of manic episodes that I would end up having on the next day. (To be continued)
