So, I forgot to blog for a while there.  Bringing up my grand total of blogs to…..two.  It’s OK, I’m still at peace with myself.

Speaking of which, I came into Portland this weekend to spend some time at my parent’s house. As I sit on one of my favorite couches typing this, I consider what it means to be independent.  I recognize that the majority of power-up challengers are far beyond this point in their lives, already having achieved self-dependency, but my struggle to rely on myself is a key component of my life right now.  It affects everything I do, and I find that I am constantly oriented towards safe-gaurding my future.  And, while this is perhaps normal for everybody, I feel that the particular extent to which I prepare is reflective of a pervasive instability that is in my life right now.

So I’m sitting on this lovely couch, looking at my adorable yellow lab, and feeling a sense of nostalgia for the times of old.  I miss the certainty of childhood.  No worries of bills or taxes, no budrendsome recognition that every single material I depend on daily has a dollar sign attached to it.  It was glorious.  And now, I don’t really have that. It’s not to say I’m not blessed with parental support- they have been so gracious as to pay my way entirely through under-grad.  No, its more of a matter of being up in the air- and many times it makes me uncomfortable.  With my family, my girlfriend, and my friends, I am perfectly content to stop experiencing the world and simply encounter things as they come.  But with everything else, I need two feet on the ground.  I need routine and plan.  As of yet, I still dont have a job at Corvallis.  I still haven’t found a regular source of community service to which I contribute.  The list goes on.

I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m really grateful for this opportunity, because while I sometimes do feel disconcerted with quickly approaching adulthood, I feel that Power Up is helping to establish the kind of habits that will ground me in a beneficial rounine.  I’m fairly certain I want to go into psychology- and I intend to go the distance.  My path to a PhD might take me a while, and I am grateful for that: I have the rest of my life to be settled down.  But until then, I understand how important it is to participate in activities conducive of a healthy life style.  Mentally healthy, emotionally healthy, and physically healthy.  From camping every couple of weekends, to watching my calories, to exercising every day, to exploring my local area even on the gloomiest of afternoons will help me to be happy and to be my own individual  And I’m not sure I would be doing these things to the extent that I soon will be without Power Up.

Those dollar signs don’t go away.  There is always something newer, brighter, more necessary to purchase or obtain: an infinity of obstacles.  I could spend my time trying to prepare for them all, but I feel that Power Up is helping me to ignore them for a little bit and live in a lovely present.  I cannot elequently describe how warm that thought makes me.   Kind of like, going to Chucky Cheese when I was eight years old…

-Nate

Here are the members of Fire Breathing Beaver Squad

Ken Westfall, Captain

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Danté Holloway

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Abbe Lougee

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Mathew Richardson

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Nate Bodie

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Alexa Carey

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Virginia Martin

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Liz Etherington

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As a kid I definitely had my share of things to work through.  I was morbidly obese, a chronic bed wetter, and- from rashes to acne- delt with some sort of major skin problem for as long as I can remember.  My hygene was shot, and in adding yellow teeth and a pungent stench to the melting pot of my persona one might start to see the picture.  I struggled with clinical anxiety/depression and a hint of ADHD since I can remember formulating complex thought.  I attended various forms of therapy inlcuding CBT and anger management, and despite how they led me to feel better about myself it took me until high school to realize that I could directly influence every single element of my priveleged Jewish-American woes through maintaining and practicing perspective.  I feel that this realization has been the single most fundamental development of my life, and I am very proud of it.

This said, this lasting optimism came at the price of a lasting misery which prevailed during most of my younger years.  I recall one of my first middle-school dances: I witnessed several of my good friends dancing with girls, and when I summoned the courage to attempt the same I was rejected outright.  I doubt that I will ever forget absconding to a distant bathroom and crying for what felt like hours.   My worth seemed  like nothing.  Bad at sports, bad at flirting, rejected outright at dancing.   I acknowledge that I had skills; I was reading Hemingway by that point, and would be fluent in Spanish in another year.  Reflecting on my early test scores with pride also shows that I was not a waste of a life  To feel so worthless that one forgets their talents, however, shows the power of  critical social institution and its effect upon the young mind.  My peers saw the worst of me, addressed the worst of me, and made me believe I was only the worst of me.

High school was a time of revelation.  I started both to grow and get in shape.  I joined the wrestling team, and by the time I joined the rugby team in Junior year I was a different person.  There were a couple more walls of resistance to happiness, however with the help of Stephanie Verlinden (a Portland psychologist), I was able to put life in perspective and priority.  By senior year I was in shape, hooking up with girls at parties, the captain of my Rugby team, and generally popular.  I found comfort in this vanity, and for the first time I started to introspect into what I needed to be happy.    I balanced these social facets with a “carpe diem” mentality, mixing the social feedback I so desired with the moral, ethical, and virtuous conduct that I knew that I owed myself and those who loved me.  Lasting happiness was creeping into my life for the first time since I had been very young.

Largely, these effects remain as of today.  I am slighlty chubby, but consider myself to be decently fit.  Even though I still have stretch marks on my stomach (they have never gone away), I am comfortable taking off my shirt in public.  I feel intellectually sharp, emotionally solid, physically humble, and spiritually grateful.  I love myself rationally and reasonably, and feel comfortable with the knowledge that I can be anything I would like.  Please don’t judge me entirely of this blog; this is not exactly a perfect synthesis of my character.  However I have tried to explain where I am in regards to my self- improvement: for the first time of my life, I am comfortable enough to look forward into the future in a world that is more possibility than fantasy.  I think of this and ask myself two questions:

1. What will I want my life to be like in five years?

2. What do I need to do to get there.

Fitness wise, I want to chop of the last of my chub.  More important to me than appearence is actual fitness and capacity.  I would like to judge my fitness my trials, tribulations, and successes in various endeavors rather than an appearence that I’m sure will never quite be good enough.  I am OK if I never have a six-pack.  I feel that, considering my history, I am a probable candidate for muscle dysmorphia and would rather not go down that road.

Spiritually, mentally, and emotionally have all been clumped together for me.  The last of my perpetual therapies was completed in high school, and I am confident and calm in regards to my coping capacity for the adversities of life. So for now I really want to build beneficial habits.  I want to continually become more organized, both in thought and otherwise.  Additionally, I want to do what I can to keep magic in my life.  It would be a shame if I ended up a surly old man because I stopped living with alacrity and gusto.  I want to ensure that I do things that make my jaw drop.  This includes participating in more community service, regularly attending religious services, and spending as much time doing action-packed, fun, things outdoors.  I feel that these habits are superb ones to build, and that I will be very grateful for them throughout my adult life.

OK, I’m done for now.  Last thing is that every blog entry will be entitled with a song I find inspiring and motivating.  I leave it to you to discover them for yourselves.