What Am I Doing Here: An Imposter Imposter's Journey in Figuring Out Life

Normally I try and do a topic that is more helpful to the world at large, but for today, I just wanted to write about my Capstone Project. For those that don’t know, I’m doing a project for my Capstone course at Oregon State University. It’s a really interesting course. Essentially, we get experience working on a project with a group in a self-guided way. The project choices varied wildly, but I chose to do an escape room game in Unity.

It’s so exciting! I mean, I didn’t have any experience in Unity. But I was excited to try. There have been some ups and downs, especially in the beginning. Definitely some moments of “oh, I’ve made a grave mistake, deciding to choose this project”. But especially lately, I’ve really been enjoying the process and starting to become familiar with Unity. And my partners are great, too. Group projects tend to be challenging, dealing with different personalities and work ethics. I think most people have had bad experiences working with groups. But my group and I really align, and they’re really helpful. So really, I am just free to do my work and keep things progressing.

The halfway point of the term is almost here, but I feel like I’ve really contributed and gotten what I’ve wanted to get done. In the photo above, it shows part of one of my puzzles. The player clicks that picture frame, and it falls, revealing a clue behind (a clue that I made in MS paint)! It’s not the most technically challenging thing to do, but it was one of my first successes, so I’m definitely celebrating. I’ve also decorated the room with props, implemented the transitioning between rooms, created the framework for the rooms, and done some other things here and there.

I’m about to do a bunch of work over the weekend to get the project ready for the midpoint, so I think my next post will be an update on what I’ve gotten done for the midpoint. Hopefully no major issues 🙂

What is burnout? It’s thrown around a lot in the working world, but it is often misunderstood. (Or at least it was for me!) helpguide.org defines it as:

“a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to meet constant demands.”

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/burnout-prevention-and-recovery.htm#:~:text=Burnout%20is%20a%20state%20of,unable%20to%20meet%20constant%20demands.

And I don’t know about you, reader, but I found that definition, while accurate, to be not super helpful. We all deal with stress in our lives, and sometimes prolonged stress. Sometimes it is enough to cause burnout, and sometimes it is not. So how do you know when you’re starting to feel burnout? Especially if you struggle with other mental health issues?

For me, I only really understood burnout when I went through it myself. I’ve seen the effects on loved ones, and they seemed…exhausted. Like they were emotionally drained, and sometimes on a shorter fuse. They often didn’t have the energy to do simple tasks. But when I experienced it myself, I realized it is more pervasive and deep. It’s a feeling of tiredness that you feel in your bones. And really the most significant difference between this and just normal tiredness is the recovery time. It can take months to recover from burnout. I won’t try and post statistics here because search results differ greatly. But what surprised me is that some people estimate that it can take as long as years to recover from burnout. Luckily, it didn’t take me as along to recover from burnout, but it still took a few months. So how can you avoid this?

This article by the Mayo Clinic lays out some really helpful advice for dealing with burnout before it becomes a problem.

1. Evaluate your options. If you’re having issues at work, talk to your supervisor about specific concerns, and actions you can take to balance your work load better. For school, trying to optimize your schedule can help. What things do you need to spend more time on? What things can you spend less time on, or do more efficiently?
2. Seek support. This one is quite important, and something I am the most guilty of not doing. Whether it is talking to someone who can actually help with your specific issues, or just someone who can provide a sympathetic ear, is is very important to seek support. I’ve found that friends often break you out of thought loops that prevent you from finding solutions.
3. Try a relaxing activity. This one is a bit cliche, but really this one is very important in the respect that it causes you to set aside time that is specifically not work time. Having time where you absolutely can not think about work is surprisingly helpful and refreshing. It can be hard to justify setting time aside when you’re so busy, but it becomes increasingly important the more busy you are.
4. Get some sleep. You know how you feel like garbage if you don’t get enough sleep? This one doesn’t need much explanation.
5. Exercise. Exercise is always good. If you haven’t exercised in awhile, give it a shot for a week. You’ll be surprised at how much better you feel, physically and mentally. I often find myself in a much more positive mood with loads more energy when I exercise regularly. By investing some time of your busy schedule into exercise, you’ll often get a return on your investment in terms of how much you get done with that increased energy.

If you’re worried that you’re starting to become burnt out, please don’t wait. Take a few simple steps to make yourself feel better. Because it’s worth it, and you’re worth it.

As I’m rapidly approaching my graduation from this program, I get this question constantly. “What do you want to do? What are your plans?” It’s a question asked out of polite interest, or excitement, but it can often be a source of stress. I’m someone who always sort of figures things out on the fly, and that hasn’t changed at all. But now is the time to start thinking about it.

I have heard from some of my software developer friends that they would like to do work that is impactful–that helps people, or makes a positive change in the world. They say that they sometimes feel like their efforts are useless, that while maybe they look good on a resume, they don’t actually have any meaningful impact in peoples lives. It wasn’t something that I’ve really had to consider until now. Before, in a past life, I worked to help children with special needs with their behavioral issues. It had a major positive impact for the children, their families, their teachers, and basically anyone else in their life. This isn’t to say I’m a saint and that you should praise me–but my impact “for the greater good” was fairly measurable. While sometimes things didn’t work out the way I wanted, I usually felt good about my work. It made the hard days easier, and the easy days a blast.

But now? I’ve always liked helping people. Accomplishing something for yourself is great, but accomplishing something for other people–it’s an easy way to make your life feel worthwhile (at least for me). I’d like to find something like that with my career in software development. But it’s less clear cut. How many people develop an app that changes peoples lives? Or create a website that helps people, in more than a minimal way? It’s more difficult in this field to find something where you create meaningful change in peoples lives. I could be wrong! I’d love for people to drop me a message and give me some ideas. I think this is where my “go with the flow”-ness helps me.

In an ideal world, I’d find something that combines two of my larger passions–programming and Japanese language. I have some ideas. For one, I’ve noticed that many many Japanese websites don’t have an English translation built in, or the ability to ship their products to foreign countries. I would love to help people with that. There are so many small to medium sized businesses in Japan that could benefit from a software developer who is bilingual in Japanese and English. I’d love to help them share their products and their ideas with the world. I’ll give you an example.

This little baby is made out of candy!! This is the art of amezaiku, where the artist, or shokunin, takes hard candy while it’s still warm and malleable, and uses tools like tweezers and scissors to form the candy into a variety of fanciful shapes, with animals being very common. This art is very cool, but very rare. It is estimated that there are less than 100 amezaiku shokunin left in Japan, with less than half that number being people who sell their creations. Of those who sell their products, most do not offer their products online. I would love to help people like this bring their products to the world, to help share traditional Japanese culture. Because it is becoming harder and harder to find.

If you’re interested in reading more about amezaiku, Mental Floss has a really good article, here:

https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/628146/amezaiku-japanese-candy-sculpture

Are you a Software Engineer? Programmer? IT Professional? Whatever you call yourself, this advice goes out to someone vaguely involved in programming, like I am. Before I started my Computer Science degree at Oregon State, I searched through job postings for Software Engineers. I figured, if I knew what employers were looking for, I could tailor my education to what is most in-demand. I then patted myself on the back for my forethought and insightfulness.

Except that didn’t get me anywhere.

What it did get me, was a seemingly-random grab bag of names of programming languages, development tools, frameworks, and fancy-sounding buzzwords. Immediately, I felt overwhelmed. I wasn’t familiar with any of the things they wanted. Should I give up? Well, I’m glad I didn’t. Because even now, while I probably check more of those boxes, there are plenty of things that I am still unfamiliar with. And, I probably won’t be familiar with those things until I need to.

Should I be terrified? Should you, reader, be terrified, if you’re in the same boat?

Well, no, probably. Terror doesn’t help you check those boxes. But you’re also probably forgetting about something critical. You have a skill, one that trumps the candidate who has a couple more boxes checked than you do. This skill isn’t taught in any one single class, but it is something you learn over time. This skill is adaptability.

Tools come and go over time. The same company might have different tools that they use a few years from now. So what is the point of trying to perfectly know each one? Maybe you sound impressive, being able to go over a long list of things you know. But there are a couple of problems with that. One, this isn’t very efficient in terms of your time. Do you really have the spare time to go ahead and learn EVERY SINGLE TOOL that any prospective job might need? Even if you tried, would you really be proficient with those tools before your interview? Maybe you are a unicorn with endless dedication. I envy you. But if you’re not, maybe this isn’t the strategy for you. If there is a job that you are really aiming for, your dream job or what have you, then you should take the time and learn the tools needed for that job. It makes sense–eventually you want to be working there, so you want to be comfortable with the tools required. But realistically, you are not going to know everything you need to for the fifty job applications you just fired off. And that’s fine–you’re adaptable.

It takes a bit of a shift in thinking when you’re learning software engineering. When I began, I always felt like “oh no, I don’t know this at the moment and this means that I’ve failed”. But every software engineer that I know who is worth their salt doesn’t think this way. They know how futile it is to be prepared for everything ahead of time. Instead, they think “I can learn how to do this if I need to”. How interesting, isn’t it? That acceptance of not being prepared? Or at least, that’s what I thought. In reality, they’re not unprepared, they are learning on a more important skill–their adaptability. They know that they have the ability to learn new things quickly and effectively, and that this is more important than all of the preparation in the world.

Big companies know this, too. Right now, if you search “how many programming languages should programmers know?” you get a hilarious range of results. I know, because I just did that search. The results range from 1-2, 2-3, 4, and basically every variant up to 5 or 6. But in fact, if you look at one of the largest tech companies in existence, Google, do you know how many languages they require you to be proficient in?

One. One! Is more languages desirable? Maybe, depending on your specific job. But the famously-grueling code interviews are conducted with the interviewee’s programing language of choice. Why? Wouldn’t you think that one of the largest tech companies in the world would want more out of their candidates? They certainly can afford to be choosy. And they frequently are–but they know that a skilled employee isn’t to be judged by a range of checked boxes, but their adaptability. That is exactly why the interviews are so grueling, and why there are several different interview phases. A good candidate can figure things out on the fly, and problem solve. The medium (programming language) doesn’t matter. And even the biggest, most impressive companies see that.

So when you’re learning to program, don’t get caught up on what you don’t know. Don’t fret over tools you’ve never heard of. Because a good programmer learns to be comfortable with not knowing. They know that their most important skill is their ability to learn. And if you can become good at that, you’ll make a good employee anywhere.

There’s an app for that.

Speaking from personal experience, learning a new language is exciting. You feel like you get to tap into a new world with its own unique ideas and culture. This is probably why–with a small dose of insanity–I’ve been learning Japanese on and off since my original college adventure, about ten years ago. This was when an adorable, incredibly welcoming Japanese teacher that we all affectionally called “Keiko Sensei” welcomed us into her class and into her home–literally. While I was in college, she invited us to have our final presentation in her home while she made us soup and gyoza. She inspired me to study abroad in Japan, and since then I’ve been nuts about studying Japanese.

But what is a lonely language learner to do? Thousands of miles away from the residents who speak the language they are studying, sometimes without other language learners to speak to. Where do they go?

Well, the internet. The place where I go for anything and everything I need to know. Luckily for you, reader, whom I’m presuming desperately needs to know this, there are an absolutely mind-boggling amount of language-learning resources out there for you to use–and most of them are free, for the beginner levels. There are websites, apps, textbooks online, podcasts, tutoring services, language exchange websites….it’s great! Seriously, I wasn’t about to start complaining about the amount of resources available to help you learn. That would be silly. But it is hard to know where to start.

One of the most common questions I get from my friends who want to learn a language is: where do I start? What tools do you use? What do you recommend? Frankly, my answer to those questions changes all the time. I have to reply, what are your goals? What level of experience do you have with the language? Are you okay with spending money? This can sound incredibly frustrating to new language learners, but there are so. many. paths to language fluency. But this is a good thing!! You don’t need to go to XYZ Japanese Language Institute in Tokyo. You don’t need to have studied for X years, or learned X words. It’s important to focus on progress, because even people approaching fluency in a language will agree–they’re still learning. And they’re not afraid to learn. With that said, let’s dive into some of those tools you’ll want when you’re starting out.

As an unofficial official expert at struggling with a language, there are a few different components to learning a language. These include vocabulary, grammar, reading, listening, and speaking ability. I might have skipped some, I might have added some in that you find unimportant. Let me redirect you to my comment from earlier, “what are your goals?” Those components will change, and some elements will increase or decrease in importance, according to those goals. But this is a good place to start.

Vocab

Vocab is inarguably critical to learning a new language. In fact, some language learners will argue that a method that has served them well is what they call “caveman speak”, where they don’t exactly know all of the grammar and sentence structure, but they get by with vocab. “Me hungry” or “give croissant”. Hilarious, but effective. There are numerous tools to help with vocab–and tons of pre-compiled lists of essential vocab. Apps like Anki and iKnow let you review vocab in flashcard form, saving you the effort of carrying around thousands of flashcards. They also feature many user-created decks of flashcards, even saving you the trouble of creating the decks yourself. Vocab is one of the easiest things to learn on your own, with the aid of technology. It is straight-forward and can be squeezed in while waiting for the bus.

Grammar

Grammar is a bit harder. But not much, either. With a bit of googling, you can find lists of important grammar structures for any language on the internet. You can also find flash cards that feature different grammar structures, and apps that will prompt you to complete sentences using a specific type of grammar. The main difficulty comes in prioritizing the learning of certain grammar structures over others, and getting real-time correction of your learning, which is hard to do if you are by yourself. Having a speaking partner (which you can find online!) helps with this, but it can be time-consuming or costly.

Reading

Hey wait–I already know how to read! The language I’m learning is written in Roman characters! Well, lucky you. I included this category knowing that this won’t really be a category for some. But for languages like Arabic and Japanese, you’ll have to put in some effort just to read basic sentences. This can be frustrating, as you want to read right away. But the good news is, there are many, many learning tools to help you learn how to read foreign characters. Because this is one of the first things foreign language learners need to learn, there are an abundance of tools out there to help you. Frankly, every app that you download will have a section at the beginning dedicated to learning how to read the language.

Listening/Speaking

I know these aren’t the same. I’m grouping them together anyway. Why? Both of these are hard to do without a teacher or someone who speaks the language to guide you. “But hey, I can listen to the language all day! Look, I’m doing it right now!” you say. I’m not here to frustrate you. Really, I’m not. But let me help you shortcut something that I have realized after years and years of studying.

After listening to something in a foreign language, and trying to translate it in your head, how do you know that your translation is correct?

“Well, the translation is listed on the website.” Well, sure. And it is probably a good approximation. But something that I have learned is that there is so much nuance in translation. There are so many words that don’t translate well to your native language. There is so much cultural nuance, feelings that are conveyed but not quite said… This isn’t to mean that you can’t get a good idea. But if your goal is to really learn a language, and to understand it within the cultural lens of the people you want to understand better, don’t you really want to make sure that you understand in the way that they do? Is your goal to have a surface-level understanding of the language, or do you want to express yourself honestly, independently? A native speaker is essential for this. They can help guide you through the waters of “is this translation even close to correct?” Or, “what do I say when I want to convey…X ?” But I want to provide you with solutions. I doubt you have a language teacher in your pocket. Many apps nowadays have example sentences in the language you’re learning, spoken by native language speakers. To help familiarize yourself, repeat these sentences OUT LOUD to yourself while you learn. You’ll sound like a goofball, but who cares? It’s critical to get “the feeling” of the language–that muscle memory that your mouth needs to spit out the words without getting tongue tied. Don’t make the mistakes I have and be too shy to speak out loud.

Even better, try and find a living person to talk to. This takes a bit of work to break out of your bubble. No one wants to sound dumb, out loud, to someone they just met. But most teachers are teachers because they love to help guide students through their learning. And depending on how much money you want to spend, this can be affordable, too. I’ve personally used the website italki.com quite a lot. (This is not sponsored, by the way). You can pick a teacher that you’d like to take a free, trial lesson with. You can find someone you feel comfortable with, for free. And then you pay for individual lessons, but this can be as low as $10/hr. You get what you pay for—seasoned teachers will be more expensive than college students who want a casual language partner. But it gets you talking! To a live person! And frankly, the excitement that this brought me when I tried italki was worth more than what I paid for the lessons.

Anyway, I hope this helped you. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned, that I hope you take with you, is that there are tons of resources out there–don’t fall into the trap of trying to pick the best one. You’ll never be sure it’s the best, anyway. Just find something you find enjoyable. The fun will carry you much farther than the perfect resource would, anyway.